It's a matter of choice...

Well I said I would and actually did it.  I booked a life drawing class.  Just one session, wouldn’t want to go overboard now would I?  Never say I don’t keep my word.  Saturday, April 2^nd at nine thirty in the morning I shall hopefully be standing in front of an easel, preparing to make the first mark on the paper.  And that’s where you know I’m serious because if I’m prepared to be out that early then it’s a sure sign I mean it.

It took some oomph for me to make the phone call to book it but once I had, I felt a kind of mini ‘weight’ lifting.  Carrying around that burden of fear can be quite a heavy load to bear.   I said before that I thought the root of my procrastinating was fear; fear of failure mostly, but then I also recognised that I’ve never enjoyed being in the spotlight.   So being observed with anything, and I mean anything, is something I try to avoid.  Even when I go on a diet it’s something I keep private so I don’t have to answer when people ask how I’m doing with it.  I’ve lost seven pounds by the way.  Just in case you’re wondering.

So what dragged my head out of my arse this time?  The devastating events in Japan did.  As the news on TV relayed the shocking scenes last Friday, and continued to do so through the weekend, I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of it all.  A friend was right when she said ‘it’s ok to be sad’ and I did, terribly sad, at times moved to tears, but I feel ashamed to say that it wasn’t just for them; it was also for my own feelings of powerlessness, my inability to do anything about it, or for them.  Donating money just doesn’t seem enough but it’s all I have to offer.  That, and my heartfelt wishes for the Japanese people to have the strength to get through this. 

Having an illness like MS can often make me feel powerless, particularly with the fatigue side of things.  And apparently it is not an illness that the Japanese have much experience with, but I don’t imagine that the feelings of the two situations compare that well.  As one man continued to run and run, desperately trying to get away from the water advancing behind him, I couldn’t even begin to understand what he must have been going through, nor could I place myself in his shoes for when he stopped, realising that he couldn’t outrun the water.  The enormity of something like that is almost too awful to bear, when he realised he has no choice but to accept his fate.

For me, by doing certain things, such as following a regime of taking a daily cocktail of medication, I can to some extent outrun my illness.   There may well be a time when I too will have to stop running but that certainly isn’t now. That man had no choice but to bear the burden of his circumstances.  I don't have to bear the burden of fear all of the time.  Whether I do or not, for now at least, is ultimately my choice.  I can't always promise that that I'll be brave enough to face some challenges.  Yet after seeing everything that has been on the news, I did think to myself ‘Monday morning, I will make that phone call’.  I do have a choice, and the privilege of having choices, any choices, I hope is something that I never take for granted.