So it’s been a couple of days since I had my little cyber tantrum. Have things improved? Hard to say really, mentally it’s a bit of a struggle still as I’m finding it difficult to pace myself and not really liking the fact that small activities whack me out. Yesterday I was slightly cheered by the fact that my gait has improved. This lift in mood was further enhanced by my first trip outside for a week, where I walked round to my corner bed to how the plants were doing. Seeing that one strawberry was turning red (just one but it’s enough) was enough to make me positively giddy! Better than that though, I saw that my climber might be starting to flower… it’s no good asking ‘can’t I tell’ as I can’t even remember whether it’s a clematis or honeysuckle, only that it’s one or the other. Yet I was frustrated that that was enough to knacker me out and had to give myself an inward reminder that I needed to be patient. Not easy though as with the improvement in gait came pain and a bladder that was in two minds for most of the night.
Still, today one of hubby’s carers was kind enough to drive me to the allotment. I’ve not been in over two weeks and whilst plenty had told me how great it was looking, some of the week’s anger spill had been about feeling trapped and not feeling part of anything… Anyway, with the aid of a stick for stability, I walked from the flat to her car outside. When we got to the allotment, I got out of the car and walked a similar distance to my little patch. It was brilliant and not brilliant to see it. People had obviously been telling the truth and I was excited to see that everything was growing the way it should, the carrots, cabbages, onions, potatoes. Coming from the viewpoint of someone who once managed to kill a spider plant, that’s impressive. Yet I could also see that everything needed a good weed and watering, and being in no position to do anything about it, this frustrated me a little.
I only stayed a few minutes, and after walking back to the car, the carer drove me back. I had been out for no more than 15 or 20 minutes, and yet was exhausted. Now I can choose to take this in two ways. I can be pissed off that I was exhausted so easily, or I can be thankful that I made the sensible decision to cancel today’s trip to London. It’s no good me being angry about actually cancelling London, that bit has already been done. In the end, after a slight dip in mood and verbal swipe at hubby and him making me some lovely lunch and a cup of tea (that merciful stuff again), I took the option of being thankful. After all, even I can recognise that if we had gone, the day would have been a disaster! So instead, after a good rest, I decided to do something constructive and go through the paperwork that had mounted up in the past few weeks, which also served the purpose of making the living room a lot tidier. Now I am aware of the reasoning about why I get the urge to tidy when I feel unwell but if it makes me feel better then where’s the harm? Hubby lent a huge hand and by teatime, despite being knackered again, we had got it done. Carrying on with being wonderful, hubby left me with a cuppa and went off to make some tea. As I sat there, cup in hand, surveying the neat and orderly space that we had created, something else came to mind that helped to cheer me. I was tired but I had actually managed to get through a day without sleeping. Now that might be strange and not seem much to smile about, but like the strawberry, it’s enough.
